It's amazing where 5 months will take you. It has been almost 5 months since my last post and if you're curious, I didn't lost the 50 lbs I wanted to lose by May. Where does that leave me? If I were completely honest, I feel like a failure. Not only in my own eyes, but if I let insecurity and fear rule me, I would be willing to bet, you see me as a failure too.
I've spent the past two years in a broken place and I just assumed this was the life that God has given me. I saw my anxiety and panic attacks as a thorn in my side, but over the past few months, I've allowed depression to creep in and I was blind to it. I have been paralyzed by fear, crippled by insecurity, and I've held myself back because I have bought into so many lies.
I know that a handful of people read this blog because they want to cheer me along during my weight loss journey, but there are also those that want to be inspired and I appreciate both kinds of people. I wish I could say that this post is me being fired up and saying I'm going on this huge adventure, like I did previously, to continuing losing weight, but it's not. However, I can say that this is my promise to look at today and see what I can do differently in this moment. I don't have any major goals, other than taking care of and loving myself because Christ does. That doesn't mean just physically, that means spiritually and mentally.
Some of you may not know, but I've been gone from my home and office for a little over two weeks in order to find rest in the Lord and the next few paragraphs are about my journey. (Skip to the bottom if you're not interested in my detailed consensus of my time in each place.)
I was in Kansas City for 11 days and learned that I like to run from things when it gets hard or if it's uncomfortable. For a few days, I felt completely alone, empty and all I wanted to do was cry. On Easter Sunday, I hit a low point and locked myself in my room for hours until I had to come out to eat something. Then there was a time where the Lord used a community of people love on me, pray for me, and encourage me during the rest of my time there. Every day was different and I started to love it. I would sit in the prayer room for 7 hours, sit at a coffee shop for a few hours, go on an adventure alone to a cool spot, or hang out with people for hours. Then when I finally felt 'safe' and 'comfortable' there, it was time for me to leave.
I drove through Kansas during some tornado's and the Lord revealed to me that I need to trust Him more and find my peace and comfort in knowing that He is with me. I cannot live in Fear. (Any person in their right mind would have been afraid, but God used this to reveal some things to me)
Then I made a stop in a small town in Oklahoma and spent time with two people who have no problem with being honest with me, even if it's hard to chew on. They affirm my love for truth, learning, and challenging questions. I was able to relax, sing along to some 90s country music and just enjoy 'being.'
Then I snuck back to Tyler to surprise my mom to see her for an hour, but she wasn't as excited as I hoped, but that's okay. I also heard a friend of mine speak at Teen Mania about calling out the treasure in others and it only inspired for our summer outreach at Warped Tour. I went to Tyler for the evening and hung out with some friends-which reminded me that I truly miss being in a real community and since the new year, I've isolated myself from that/them. I got my first speeding ticket in my adult life and might I say, I really didn't think I was speeding and I can say that with all honesty.
Then I spent a few days in Dallas at the Catalyst conference. I can't even unpack everything I learned, but the overall consensus is that I am known by God, fully loved by God, and I need to make it my goal to know Him more. It was like the entire conference was just for me and all of the speakers and teachers, read my journals over the past two years and came up with their topics just from that.
I then drove back to Tyler with my friend, went to my office and took care of some things that had to be done, jumped in my car and drove 5 hours to San Antonio. My drive was so special. I had a time of repentance to the Lord.
Over the past two weeks I have had so many clear revelations of how I have such a deficit in my life and I was living off of my own strength for so long. I've been in sin and I've been trying to refrain from it on my own and that is impossible.
So here I am in San Antonio and it has already been incredible. I spent my entire day yesterday reading the word and a book that I've wanted to read for awhile. I now have 11 days left to read, rest, pray, go on walks, and whatever else I'm led to do. I ask that you pray for me and my focus, that it's on the Lord and Him alone. That I don't let stress, fear, or anxiety rise up and I cling to the promises of the Lord.
I want to share a few things with you that the Lord has revealed to me over this time. Some of these are simple, basic, foundational truths that I had wisdom of, but I'm not sure I believed it in my heart anymore.
Jesus LOVES Stella Malone. Even if I'm not doing SKAD or some sort of ministry, I am still His beloved.
If I am unwilling to admit my weaknesses, then I'm not going to show the strength of Christ.
I am worth pursuing and Christ has pursued me every day, with or without me noticing.
Spending time in His presence should be my main motivation to get out of bed each day.
The word of God is true, all of it.
He is my source of life; without Him, there is no purpose for anything else that I do.
He doesn't need me, but He likes to use me.
Rest is a good thing and an important thing.
I'm going to lace up my shoes and go on a walk and rest in the fact that the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE loves me and my mess and because of Christ, my mess isn't so messy and that I have been made whole in Him and Him alone.
I hope you'll take the time to rest in that today too. Love yourself because you are indeed loved. He didn't make a mistake when He created you; He knit you in your Mothers womb and with passion behind His words, He said 'Man, that is good. You are good!"
