As I sit and type this up, I am feeling as if I'm functioning a little normal. During the last part of my workout at Crossfit today, I started having, my biggest enemy-anxiety.
[Might I add, that today has just been overwhelming in general. I'm not even going to go into what's going on and that's only because I know the Lord is already at work. My hope is not in the things of this world, but in the One above. I really am excited to see what He does through the challenges of every day life and how He pulls through. He has never let me go, nor will He ever. Somedays it's easier to trust than others, but today, despite it all, I'm pressing into Him. //Random side note]
So, anyway, back to Crossfit. Today my coach came up to me mid work-out and asked my middle name and I know it's because he was making sure nothing was wrong with me, but when he did that, it made me start questioning my body. I was tired, which is normal for strenuous workouts, but I didn't feel anything else going on. Even during my workout, I was praying and just talking to the Lord, but I couldn't stop my mind from wandering and allowing fear to rule me. I did not finish the last part of my WOD because I just felt like I needed to stop.
So when the Coach dismissed the class, I got in my car and prayed and asked the Lord to help me through it and I believe He was giving me peace, yet, my mind kept on thinking how my left arm felt weird and my side was hurting, how my vision was crazy, I was nauseous and I just kept on giving into lies. (But, jeeze, what do I expect when I put my body through crazy stuff??)
So, for two hours, I've laid on a friends couch, desperately trying to distract myself from letting the anxiety control me. I prayed, I looked at social networking, and I just laid here.. Then, I forced myself to get up and shower. I then had some time with the Lord and now I'm here.
I wish I could find answers and why this happens after I have an intense work out, but all it does is make me not want to go back for fear of it happening again. When I'm feeling anxious and panic is running through my body, I can't pay attention to anything else but that. The worst is when I'm trying to change my thought process and someone says something to me like "what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger" or "we didn't die today" and all I can focus on is "kill" "die" and then it cripples me even more. Sad, right?
Adrenaline and anxiety, mixed together, are a dangerous combination.
Do I feel defeated? A little, because I wonder if I could have finished if I hadn't have let anxiety rule. Will I allow defeat to win over me? Nah, I've been here before and I know God is bigger, this is just a war I'm facing. I just want to be candid about my experience in working out because I know the Lord is working in my life and working me through some things. Trust, to let go of fear, perseverance, etc.... The list could go on forever to be honest.
If you could, just pray for me because I want to see the anxiety gone completely from my life. I must say, I haven't had a bad anxiety experience in a long time and I have been really believing that I was completely set free.
I trust, know, and believe, there is a bigger picture for this, which makes it a little easier to deal with it, but it is still challenging and it is still something I'm at war with in my life.
Thank you for allowing me to be transparent, for allowing me to be real, and always being so encouraging.
Ephesians 6:10-20"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, andhaving put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak."
Just a heads up, that as of now when I finished writing this, I feel great and do not have any bit of anxiety in me. Praise God. This is enough to dance about. Rejoice with me.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
How did I get here?
This is embarrassing. It has been over a year since my last entry and over the year, I kept on telling myself, 'I'm going to get back in the swing of things' yet, I let my 'busy' schedule and laziness take precedence in my life. It's easy to make excuses over and over and some of them are actually valid, but I think there comes a time in your life when you have to make a choice and fight for something you want so badly. I am 78 lbs from the weight I would be happy at, but my goal is to lose 58lbs by May 1st. Can I even do this? Yes. I KNOW I can, I just have to do it.
I've been out of Crossfit for what seems like FOREVER now and well, it's so hard getting back into it.... I love Crossfit so much because it changed my life, but it's so terrifying every time I go. I started going again at the beginning of November and I went a few days for two weeks and had other days where I jogged/walked around my neighborhood, then for the last two weeks of November, I didn't do anything active. I cannot help but feel like an epic failure, but that's just a feeling. Right?
I miss the days when I used to be a stickler on what I put in my mouth, now I feel like I'm addicted to sugar all over again and I need rehab to get off of it. That stuff is so sick and toxic to my body and when it flows through my bloodstream, I feel it and I physically feel high off the stuff. Say a prayer for me, because I'm going to make a bold attempt to quit processed sugars cold turkey, all over again. If I did it once, I can do it again, right? It also is so terrible for me to have large amounts of sugar because I have hypoglycemia and diabetes runs in my family. My family doctor told me that I'm borderline diabetic, but I'm praying with continued weight-loss and trusting in the Lord for healing, I can reverse that.
Starbucks, get behind me Satan! I haven't worked there for months, yet I just want to go there and get a pumpkin chai or a chai in general. I genuinely think I'm addicted and it's so lame. It doesn't help that I get free drinks all the time and people get me gift-cards there. I just need to be conscience in my choices again and stick with tea or water.
Perhaps I can blame my addiction to Mexican food on my heritage? I can eat chips and salsa every single day for the rest of my life, but that hydrogenated oil is slowing killing (america) me.
I've been pretty lazy lately in my cooking, but I blame that on the lack of food in my home, so, I basically eat whatever I can eat and that's that. However, there are times when I have eggs and I could cook them, but instead I eat a bowl of chex and almond milk and add some honey to it. The problem with that is there is no nutritional value to it and I know it. It's like eating cardboard for breakfast and expecting that to sustain me. I'm supposed to have a protein diet because of my hypoglycemia, so that does nothing for me.
I suppose I am here confessing all of my dirty secrets because I don't want them in darkness. I want to bring it to light, so I can gain victory over it all again. I know the Lord was the One who did it for me last year and I know He can do it again, it's just about surrendering my control to Him.
I feel like in my past posts, there are a lot of failed goals and I'm sad about it, but I'm not going to look at last year, I'm going to look at now. I'm going to make an attempt to post on here often about my journey, even if I'm being lazy and I need your help to hold me accountable. Like, LITERALLY, I need your help and I need you to play an active part in annoying me and asking me if I've been working out and how my eating is. Even if I get annoyed or get sassy with you, (which I probably will) I am desperate because I want my life back.
It's still a dream of mine to run a half marathon and I hope I can do that someday. Right now, I just need motivation to get off my couch. I've been in a little funk lately and feeling slightly overwhelmed with the craziness of life, so I've had a lack of motivation. It's like, when I have a moment to just chill, that's exactly what I want to do. I just need that fire for working out, back again.
I want to have pure motives about it and do it for the sake of being healthy and giving God the complete glory for it. I don't want to do it just to look better or for others attention. I know I would feel more confident in my own skin and it would be nice to feel confident in my clothes. I just need super-natural help all over again. As of the beginning of November, I was 258, but I'm too afraid to get on the scale since Thanksgiving and my sugar binges, so, how about I check back with you at the end of December?!
Like I said, my goal is to be 200 by May 1st. It's totally possible. I just have to get off my butt. Please pray for me because like I said, I need a higher power to help me in this journey.
Well, here goes nothing. It's a new day, a new beginning and here's to healthy choices!
Doing wall-balls. Did I mention that my squats are terrible and I'm starting completely over? Yeah...
Just another selfie to show how I got my butt kicked after a WOD one day.
I've been out of Crossfit for what seems like FOREVER now and well, it's so hard getting back into it.... I love Crossfit so much because it changed my life, but it's so terrifying every time I go. I started going again at the beginning of November and I went a few days for two weeks and had other days where I jogged/walked around my neighborhood, then for the last two weeks of November, I didn't do anything active. I cannot help but feel like an epic failure, but that's just a feeling. Right?I miss the days when I used to be a stickler on what I put in my mouth, now I feel like I'm addicted to sugar all over again and I need rehab to get off of it. That stuff is so sick and toxic to my body and when it flows through my bloodstream, I feel it and I physically feel high off the stuff. Say a prayer for me, because I'm going to make a bold attempt to quit processed sugars cold turkey, all over again. If I did it once, I can do it again, right? It also is so terrible for me to have large amounts of sugar because I have hypoglycemia and diabetes runs in my family. My family doctor told me that I'm borderline diabetic, but I'm praying with continued weight-loss and trusting in the Lord for healing, I can reverse that.
Starbucks, get behind me Satan! I haven't worked there for months, yet I just want to go there and get a pumpkin chai or a chai in general. I genuinely think I'm addicted and it's so lame. It doesn't help that I get free drinks all the time and people get me gift-cards there. I just need to be conscience in my choices again and stick with tea or water.
Perhaps I can blame my addiction to Mexican food on my heritage? I can eat chips and salsa every single day for the rest of my life, but that hydrogenated oil is slowing killing (america) me.
I've been pretty lazy lately in my cooking, but I blame that on the lack of food in my home, so, I basically eat whatever I can eat and that's that. However, there are times when I have eggs and I could cook them, but instead I eat a bowl of chex and almond milk and add some honey to it. The problem with that is there is no nutritional value to it and I know it. It's like eating cardboard for breakfast and expecting that to sustain me. I'm supposed to have a protein diet because of my hypoglycemia, so that does nothing for me.
I suppose I am here confessing all of my dirty secrets because I don't want them in darkness. I want to bring it to light, so I can gain victory over it all again. I know the Lord was the One who did it for me last year and I know He can do it again, it's just about surrendering my control to Him.
I feel like in my past posts, there are a lot of failed goals and I'm sad about it, but I'm not going to look at last year, I'm going to look at now. I'm going to make an attempt to post on here often about my journey, even if I'm being lazy and I need your help to hold me accountable. Like, LITERALLY, I need your help and I need you to play an active part in annoying me and asking me if I've been working out and how my eating is. Even if I get annoyed or get sassy with you, (which I probably will) I am desperate because I want my life back.
It's still a dream of mine to run a half marathon and I hope I can do that someday. Right now, I just need motivation to get off my couch. I've been in a little funk lately and feeling slightly overwhelmed with the craziness of life, so I've had a lack of motivation. It's like, when I have a moment to just chill, that's exactly what I want to do. I just need that fire for working out, back again.
I want to have pure motives about it and do it for the sake of being healthy and giving God the complete glory for it. I don't want to do it just to look better or for others attention. I know I would feel more confident in my own skin and it would be nice to feel confident in my clothes. I just need super-natural help all over again. As of the beginning of November, I was 258, but I'm too afraid to get on the scale since Thanksgiving and my sugar binges, so, how about I check back with you at the end of December?!
Like I said, my goal is to be 200 by May 1st. It's totally possible. I just have to get off my butt. Please pray for me because like I said, I need a higher power to help me in this journey.
Well, here goes nothing. It's a new day, a new beginning and here's to healthy choices!
This was by far one of my favorite things to witness. During this WOD, all but one of these men had finished their burpees and to help motivate the one who hadn't, all of these men and one woman, joined him to help motivate him. It's so awesome to see everyone work together.
This is my friend Josh, aka Jtram and he joined Crossfit with me. We only went to a few classes together because our schedule conflicted, but I'm hoping he will continue in December because it always motivates me to have someone to work out with.
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