Monday, December 2, 2013

How did I get here?

This is embarrassing. It has been over a year since my last entry and over the year, I kept on telling myself, 'I'm going to get back in the swing of things' yet, I let my 'busy' schedule and laziness take precedence in my life. It's easy to make excuses over and over and some of them are actually valid, but I think there comes a time in your life when you have to make a choice and fight for something you want so badly. I am 78 lbs from the weight I would be happy at, but my goal is to lose 58lbs by May 1st. Can I even do this? Yes. I KNOW I can, I just have to do it.
I've been out of Crossfit for what seems like FOREVER now and well, it's so hard getting back into it.... I love Crossfit so much because it changed my life, but it's so terrifying every time I go. I started going again at the beginning of November and I went a few days for two weeks and had other days where I jogged/walked around my neighborhood, then for the last two weeks of November, I didn't do anything active. I cannot help but feel like an epic failure, but that's just a feeling. Right?

I miss the days when I used to be a stickler on what I put in my mouth, now I feel like I'm addicted to sugar all over again and I need rehab to get off of it. That stuff is so sick and toxic to my body and when it flows through my bloodstream, I feel it and I physically feel high off the stuff. Say a prayer for me, because I'm going to make a bold attempt to quit processed sugars cold turkey, all over again. If I did it once, I can do it again, right? It also is so terrible for me to have large amounts of sugar because I have hypoglycemia and diabetes runs in my family. My family doctor told me that I'm borderline diabetic, but I'm praying with continued weight-loss and trusting in the Lord for healing, I can reverse that.

Starbucks, get behind me Satan! I haven't worked there for months, yet I just want to go there and get a pumpkin chai or a chai in general. I genuinely think I'm addicted and it's so lame. It doesn't help that I get free drinks all the time and people get me gift-cards there. I just need to be conscience in my choices again and stick with tea or water.

Perhaps I can blame my addiction to Mexican food on my heritage? I can eat chips and salsa every single day for the rest of my life, but that hydrogenated oil is slowing killing (america) me.

I've been pretty lazy lately in my cooking, but I blame that on the lack of food in my home, so, I basically eat whatever I can eat and that's that. However, there are times when I have eggs and I could cook them, but instead I eat a bowl of chex and almond milk and add some honey to it. The problem with that is there is no nutritional value to it and I know it. It's like eating cardboard for breakfast and expecting that to sustain me. I'm supposed to have a protein diet because of my hypoglycemia, so that does nothing for me.

I suppose I am here confessing all of my dirty secrets because I don't want them in darkness. I want to bring it to light, so I can gain victory over it all again. I know the Lord was the One who did it for me last year and I know He can do it again, it's just about surrendering my control to Him.

I feel like in my past posts, there are a lot of failed goals and I'm sad about it, but I'm not going to look at last year, I'm going to look at now. I'm going to make an attempt to post on here often about my journey, even if I'm being lazy and I need your help to hold me accountable. Like, LITERALLY, I need your help and I need you to play an active part in annoying me and asking me if I've been working out and how my eating is. Even if I get annoyed or get sassy with you, (which I probably will) I am desperate because I want my life back.

It's still a dream of mine to run a half marathon and I hope I can do that someday. Right now, I just need motivation to get off my couch. I've been in a little funk lately and feeling slightly overwhelmed with the craziness of life, so I've had a lack of motivation. It's like, when I have a moment to just chill, that's exactly what I want to do. I just need that fire for working out, back again.

I want to have pure motives about it and do it for the sake of being healthy and giving God the complete glory for it. I don't want to do it just to look better or for others attention. I know I would feel more confident in my own skin and it would be nice to feel confident in my clothes. I just need super-natural help all over again. As of the beginning of November, I was 258, but I'm too afraid to get on the scale since Thanksgiving and my sugar binges, so, how about I check back with you at the end of December?!

Like I said, my goal is to be 200 by May 1st. It's totally possible. I just have to get off my butt. Please pray for me because like I said, I need a higher power to help me in this journey.

Well, here goes nothing. It's a new day, a new beginning and here's to healthy choices!

Doing wall-balls. Did I mention that my squats are terrible and I'm starting completely over? Yeah...

This was by far one of my favorite things to witness. During this WOD, all but one of these men had finished their burpees and to help motivate the one who hadn't, all of these men and one woman, joined him to help motivate him. It's so awesome to see everyone work together.


Just another selfie to show how I got my butt kicked after a WOD one day.

This is my friend Josh, aka Jtram and he joined Crossfit with me. We only went to a few classes together because our schedule conflicted, but I'm hoping he will continue in December because it always motivates me to have someone to work out with.

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