It's paralyzing...

As I sit and type this up, I am feeling as if I'm functioning a little normal. During the last part of my workout at Crossfit today, I started having, my biggest enemy-anxiety.

[Might I add, that today has just been overwhelming in general. I'm not even going to go into what's going on and that's only because I know the Lord is already at work. My hope is not in the things of this world, but in the One above. I really am excited to see what He does through the challenges of every day life and how He pulls through. He has never let me go, nor will He ever. Somedays it's easier to trust than others, but today, despite it all, I'm pressing into Him. //Random side note]

So, anyway, back to Crossfit. Today my coach came up to me mid work-out and asked my middle name and I know it's because he was making sure nothing was wrong with me, but when he did that, it made me start questioning my body. I was tired, which is normal for strenuous workouts, but I didn't feel anything else going on. Even during my workout, I was praying and just talking to the Lord, but I couldn't stop my mind from wandering and allowing fear to rule me. I did not finish the last part of my WOD because I just felt like I needed to stop.

So when the Coach dismissed the class, I got in my car and prayed and asked the Lord to help me through it and I believe He was giving me peace, yet, my mind kept on thinking how my left arm felt weird and my side was hurting, how my vision was crazy, I was nauseous and I just kept on giving into lies. (But, jeeze, what do I expect when I put my body through crazy stuff??)

So, for two hours, I've laid on a friends couch, desperately trying to distract myself from letting the anxiety control me. I prayed, I looked at social networking, and I just laid here.. Then, I forced myself to get up and shower. I then had some time with the Lord and now I'm here.

I wish I could find answers and why this happens after I have an intense work out, but all it does is make me not want to go back for fear of it happening again. When I'm feeling anxious and panic is running through my body, I can't pay attention to anything else but that. The worst is when I'm trying to change my thought process and someone says something to me like "what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger" or "we didn't die today" and all I can focus on is "kill" "die" and then it cripples me even more. Sad, right?

Adrenaline and anxiety, mixed together, are a dangerous combination.

Do I feel defeated? A little, because I wonder if I could have finished if I hadn't have let anxiety rule. Will I allow defeat to win over me? Nah, I've been here before and I know God is bigger, this is just a war I'm facing. I just want to be candid about my experience in working out because I know the Lord is working in my life and working me through some things. Trust, to let go of fear, perseverance, etc.... The list could go on forever to be honest.

If you could, just pray for me because I want to see the anxiety gone completely from my life. I must say, I haven't had a bad anxiety experience in a long time and I have been really believing that I was completely set free.
I trust, know, and believe, there is a bigger picture for this, which makes it a little easier to deal with it, but it is still challenging and it is still something I'm at war with in my life.

Thank you for allowing me to be transparent, for allowing me to be real, and always being so encouraging.

Ephesians 6:10-20"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, andhaving put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak."


Just a heads up, that as of now when I finished writing this, I feel great and do not have any bit of anxiety in me. Praise God. This is enough to dance about. Rejoice with me.